Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love

My psychiatrist pretty much made me order this book even though in my mind I was dead set against, thinking it was going to be a waste of time, perfectly convinced I knew everything about myself and whatever kind of "attached" I was. Whoa. Was I wrong. And I hate to be wrong. Thanks, Dr. D. General Information: This book is an easy read. It's not that stuff you need to be a rocket-scientist to figure out - in layman terms it briefs you on the broader different styles of attachment: secure, anxious and avoidant. The book helps you determine what kind of attachment styles you have via reading examples of others attachment styles and there are also some quizzes if you're still not sure, all of which I found useful. I really liked that the authors presented examples of scenarios of attachment styles and encouraged the reader to read through the scenarios and guess the kind of attachment styles that were presented based on the knowledge we had already been given in the earlier part of the book. I find that a helpful way to learn. Given that I was not into reading this in the first place - the fact that it was light reading, interesting and at times fun - made me very attuned to what this book had to say. I agree it wasn't super in-depth but I don't fault this book for that because if it was super in depth I would have not even read it. My psychiatrist knows what the heck she is talking about and she choose this book for a reason - so I have zero complaints. I think she was even impressed with how much I was able to take away after reading it in one day. Personal Information: This book taught me a lot about myself. With women, I have anxious attachments - stemming from an unpredictable childhood. I pretty much tend to gravitate toward any one who acts maternal with me and cling to her. This isn't necessarily about romantic attachment for me, it spelled out a lot of patterns with all the people I have in my life: from friends, family members, partners and even my doctors. I had started to notice that I was feeling unsettled in my relationship with my fiance. I was getting annoyed at everything he did. Little things, like the way he chewed. I would get annoyed when he would text me and completely ignore him for hours at a time. Until I read this book, I didn't realize the problem was me and that with men I have a very avoidant attachment style. I was able to take the criticism to heart without feeling persecuted because the book doesn't make you feel that way even though avoidants can come off as very very harsh and cruel and indifferent. I'm now able to communicate more effectively, recognize my own patterns of behavior, identify that I am responsible for my own actions and feelings and now I feel a real sense of control and independence because I have that knowledge. I have that security. I can reciprocate with my fiance now and not be so dismissive of him and I'm able to be a bit more open without feeling that he's trying to stop me from being my own person or that he's suffocating me. I highly recommend this book. If you want to delve super deep into this attachment thing - some other reviewers mentioned additions and alternatives but I wouldn't. I am a very learned person, a very intelligent person and I didn't need anything more in depth than this book to help me to start to recognize patterns that needed to change. I think this book is best served to people who can admit where they are on the attachment continuum. I happen to be at a place in my life now, thanks to my psychiatrist and therapist, where I am able to let my guard down a bit and accept things that are difficult for me to accept.. Maybe even just six months ago I wouldn't have been ready to admit this. But given my ability to be ready and my desire to make things right in my life now that I have a child - I didn't need a guide book to tell me how to figure out the things I needed to do to fix the areas that needed work in my life regarding my attachment styles. I disagree with the reviews that claim this book doesn't offer us any insight as to why we are the way we are and what we can do about it. Several times this book mentions the theories of infant and other kinds of attachments but does say that it's not the purpose of this book to delve into that. That's good enough for me. I was able to discern from the minimal but powerful examples they give of the attachment styles of infants to their caregivers to know why I am the way I am and I wrote a whole essay about it to share with my psychiatrist.... thanks to this book. As for what we can do about it - this was also something I didn't need a road map for. This is going to sound pretty darn simplistic but maybe that's just because it is. Kind of just do the opposite of what you're doing....???? That is how this has been working for me, anyway. But of course, I relied on the examples in the book to help direct my behavior without needing a "HOW TO" direction stamped across the page. You rely on your intuition. You rely on your knowledge. You rely on your empathy and most of all you rely on your willingness to enact change. The examples in this book were definitely not apples to apples with how I am with my fiance - but it was enough of an eye-opening experience for me to say to myself: "Oh geez..... I do things like this all the time and this is how my fiance must feel. He's just reacting to my avoidance. If I start to try to be less avoidant and give him a little bit more security by acknowledging him maybe he won't feel so frustrated or taken advantage of or hurt." And that's what I started to do. I started to recognize the behaviors I have that are avoidant and started to replace them with more healthy behaviors. At first this wasn't easy. I felt like I was losing a part of myself by giving in to him but then I realized that's silly and I went back to the book for guidance and reassurance and that's when I decided to feel more secure and in control. I'm far more independent by making the right, healthy choices for our relationship than I am being a slave to my fear of dependency. I really feel empowered by this and I thank the authors for putting this out there in a way that isn't complicated but that is so very helpful.

I’ll admit it. I am totally attached to _Attached_. But, not in an unhealthy way, really. I’ve read my fair share of books on relationships (including textbooks during my clinical training as a therapist), and I can honestly say that this book provides the most elegant framework for organizing, explaining, and rescuing relationship problems that I’ve seen. It clearly delivers on the hope that the authors have for this book: “We hope that you will use the relationship wisdom distilled in this book, from more than two decades of research, to find happiness in your romantic connections and to soar in all aspects of your life. If you follow the attachment principles we have outlined, you will be actively giving yourself the best shot at finding—and keeping—a deeply gratifying love, instead of leaving one of the most important aspects of your life to chance!” (pp. 272-273) Based on the science of attachment, the book looks at the three basic types of attachment: avoidant, anxious, and secure. In a nutshell: if you’re avoidant, relationships feel like a threat to your independence; if you’re anxious, relationships feel like a lifeline that is going to be yanked away from you at any moment; if you’re secure, relationships provide you with peace of mind. Early on, the book helps you determine your style of attachment, and the style of your partner as well. After helping to determine attachment styles, the book takes a closer look at how these three different attachment styles present themselves in everyday life, and when they are most likely to clash. Not surprisingly, the most clash-likely relationship is between a person with an avoidant style of attachment and one with an anxious style. (Can we say distancer and pursuer?) The authors provide both insight and hope for helping avoiding the needless suffering often accompanying this attachment style mis-match: “People have very different capacities for intimacy. And when one person’s need for closeness is met with another person’s need for independence and distance, a lot of unhappiness ensues. By being cognizant of this fact, both of you can navigate your way better in the dating world to find someone with intimacy needs similar to your own (if you are unattached) or reach an entirely new understanding about your differing needs in an existing relationship—a first and necessary step toward steering it in a more secure direction.” (p. 270) The book provides tools and communication strategies that use attachment principles to help you avoid the traps of mismatched relationships (and/or help you free yourself and survive one you may have fallen into), and shows you how to focus your energies on building secure relationships. Even if you’re not the secure type (only about 50% of people are), it still is possible to be in a secure relationship—it just takes a good mix of self-awareness and ongoing work. Think of this book as the guidebook for doing that work. The cherry on top of this deliciously satisfying book comes in the form of the authors’ simple, but profound, summary of the key essentials for finding and keeping (secure) love: ***Your attachment needs are legitimate. ***You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you are closet to—it is part of your genetic makeup. ***A relationship, from an attachment perspective, should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind. If it doesn’t, this is a wake up call! ***And, above all, remain true to your authentic self—playing games will only distance you from your ultimate goal of finding happiness, be it with your current partner or with someone else. (p. 272) _Attached_ should seriously be required reading for anyone who has been, is, wants to be, or will be in a relationship. Yep, it is that good. And, so can be your relationships if you take this book to heart!

This book helped me understand patterns in all my relationships that I never had words for before, and gave me practical tools to make them better. What makes it different is that it shows attachment styles can actually change, and gives you a concrete road map for how to get there. It's not just about romantic relationships, it applies to every important connection in your life. A fascinating read that gave me a completely new way of looking at myself and the people I'm close to. A must read !

Quick Summary: Another great book recommended to me by my therapist. This book is really well researched and insightful into the three types of attachment styles that adults have in romantic relationships. The three attachment styles are anxious, avoidant, and secure. It is easy to read and understand with plenty of examples throughout the book. If you are looking for why your relationships might be struggling, to understand why your partner reacts to you a certain way, and how you go about communicating in your relationship, I highly recommend this book. I have a better understanding of who I am and how I can work on improving myself for my family. The Review: I am one of the lucky ones who didn’t read this book before being in a relationship and ended up with a stellar husband that has a secure attachment style. Unlike my partner, I have an anxious attachment style. The book highly recommended finding a match with a secure attachment to have a solid relationship. I am lucky to have a partner that can help calm down my anxious attachment quirks by simply being his best self around me. Now, I will say that at times while reading I noticed quite a bit of bias. It felt like secure attachments were put on a very high pedestal and they could do no wrong. If they are like my hubs, then secures tend to be very levelheaded, comfortable and happy in their relationship, and a calm reactor. In a couple of examples, the writers did mention that secures could lose their temper (because they are human after all), but it really talked up how great secures were. The book highlighted that anyone with an insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant) should aim to be with a secure. I also felt that avoidants were given a bad rap throughout the book and were made to be the worst of the three attachment styles. There were points when I was reading that I felt the book encouraged the other two attachment styles to stay away from avoidants. I’m not an avoidant, but I did feel kind of sad for them because everyone deserves love. The book did explain how to try to combat the natural ways of avoidant tendencies and become better at your relationship. As for the anxious, we tend to be portrayed as a victim whenever in a relationship with an avoidant and our behaviors are tied to our anxious ways. Attached. mentioned many times how the anxious group should have grace for themselves. It felt like the anxious attachments had the most to gain in understanding our ways by reading this book. Apparently about 50% of the population has a secure attachment style while avoidants and anxious attachments make up 25% each. If you are unsure which attachment style you are, there is a quiz on page 40-43 to help guide you. If you are trying to figure out what your partner’s attachment style is, check out pages 52-60. This book was well written and a great read if you are an anxious or secure person! I will give it a 4/5. However, if you are avoidant, I would search for another book that would explain your tendencies without making you feel like you are the problem. IN CONCLUSION, READ THE FRACKING BOOK (if you are secure/anxious)!

Wow this book is a gold mine. So many mindset shifts has been unlocked for me by understanding where people can be operating from. And myself. These can be applied to any relationships, my kids, making new friends, family, and romantic relationships. I'll admit the beginning was a bit harsh on avoidance behaviors but it does ease up a bit and by the end is understanding and gentle. I think this type of person has to help themselves, no one can do it for them. But to me that's also the relief, if I can't do anything about it then I know now not to waste any more time. That's what I love about this book, it teaches you to recognize where to put in your life and effort. I feel energized and like I've unlocked some mystic skill to understand people better. Literally everyone on this planet should read this book. One more thing, I would take these behaviors with a grain of salt. I think we can all exhibit these behaviors at various times and its smart to know what's going on. Anyone who is making a positive effort towards communicating and resolution is far more important than their default behavior. This book has changed my life for the better and I believe it will change yours for the better as well.

5 stars Know Yourself First🫵🏽 This book is an easy, straightforward read that doesn’t require a psychology degree to understand though if you have one, you’ll appreciate how grounded it is in real research. The concepts are clear, the examples are relatable, and you will absolutely see yourself and the people in your life on these pages. What I appreciated most is that this book isn’t really about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding yourself your patterns, your needs, and why you respond the way you do in relationships. Coming from a background in psychology, sociology, and trauma informed care, I found it to be a solid, accessible framework for things I already had language for, but presented in a way that makes it easy to share with someone who doesn’t have that background. One thing worth noting nothing is totally one thing or the other. I found myself mostly anxious leaning secure, but I could see traces of pulling away in certain pages. Things like not calling back a third time or threatening to end things when I felt unheard. And for my partner, his avoidance isn’t total he genuinely enjoys closeness and connection. But when things feel really good, his nervous system gets scared and he creates distance. That nuance is in the book too, and it makes it feel real rather than clinical. Highly recommend for anyone doing personal growth work or trying to build healthier connections with the people they love.

Attached is one of those rare books that doesn’t just explain relationships, it reframes how you understand yourself and others. The clear, compassionate breakdown of attachment theory makes complex psychology feel practical, relatable, and immediately useful. What sets this book apart is how actionable it is. Rather than blaming or labeling, Attached gives language to patterns many of us have felt but couldn’t quite name. It helped me recognize how attachment styles shape communication, conflict, intimacy, and even the partners we choose and more importantly, how awareness can lead to healthier, more secure relationships. The real power of this book is its balance of science and empathy. It doesn’t shame anxious or avoidant tendencies; it explains them. And in doing so, it creates space for self-compassion, growth, and better decision-making in love. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, Attached is an essential read. It’s honest without being harsh, insightful without being academic, and empowering without being prescriptive. I recommend it to anyone who wants to stop repeating the same relationship cycles and start building connections that actually feel safe, stable, and fulfilling.

Enlightening book and easy read - relationship challenges much clearer and better understanding of self and partner actions once attachment styles understood.

Interesante punto de vista, claro, práctico y con muchos ejemplos que te ayudan a entender mejor la teoría. Me gusta que se basa mucho en estudios científicos y no en la opinión de una persona.

Teoria muito esclarecedora para entender a dinâmica dos relacionamentos e construir meios saudáveis e positivos de se relacionar. Recomendo fortemente a leitura.

Read this book a while back and still use the theories with my friends

Very easy to understand attachment theory for people with non professional background in psychology. I give to couple in counseling. Good examples and situations.

This was the first book that truly opened my eyes to my own relationship patterns. Attached provides a clear, science-based framework that is both enlightening and immediately useful. An essential read for understanding adult attachment.